This article is dedicated to Rob Ballew. The last time he wrote an insulting article I left my comment there. He promptly removed the article and since then I've resolved not to waste any more time leaving comments on articles he would just depublish.
I found his seed pretty amusing, and after reading it I thought, hey why not? Let's all be assholes.
Let the burning of strawmen commence.
Everybody is guilty of being hypocritical sometimes. It's just part of being human; however, modern conservatism has taken this concept to stunning extremes. The entire conservative belief system, from top to bottom, is a series of logical blind alleys, bottlenecks, and jaw-dropping contradictions.
When I first heard of the incendiary bombings which occurred around Fallujah, I immediately thought to myself, "Hey I know how we can stop this war. We need to tell the christian conservatives that they didn't bomb the civilians with incendiary weapons. They actually dropped contraceptives. The war would be over in minutes."
Republicans love life. Well, as long as you're a white American. It's okay to bomb towns, so long as the babies you kill are brown.
Law and Order? You just make it up as you go along.
When Bill Clinton committed the unpardonable sin of lying about his blow job under oath, we were assured by conservative commentators that it was the principle of the thing. By committing perjury he had broken the law, and the law must always be enforced. Bringing our government to a freezing halt was just a side benefit.
Now when we want to investigate the claims of torture, even investigate, well the country is better off if we don't pursue that. It's a highly mobile conversation I've noticed. When they ask if your doing it, you lie and say it never happened.
And after that stops working, you redefine an act consider torture all over the world and call it "enhanced interrogation." My theory is, Bill Clinton should have stood up and said, "I did not have sex with that woman. I had an enhanced moment of intimacy." It wouldn't have helped, but it would have been pretty amusing.
(I'm thinking gun laws are pretty necessary. What do you say we classify all guns as weapons of mass destruction and get them off the street? It's so necessary, we don't even need a vote. Just a reclassification and a creative application of english.)
Big government is bad... sometimes.
We all know how much conservatives hate and distrust government, because they tell us so all the time. They feel that the government runs things poorly, and spends too much money doing things the private sector does better. For instance wall street and our banks always know best.
Of course, this all changes when we start talking about giving the government the ability to wiretap us, declare people enemy combatants without benefit of a trial, or torture civilians. At that moment, we are suddenly told that our authorities are always right and no oversight is required. All of the people in Guantanomo are guilty, except of course for the women and children we imprisoned exclusively to gain leverage over their relatives.
Nothing says "family values" like going after the women and children of the guy who actually did commit a crime. And I'm sure none of those kids will hate us when they grow up.
So when the government is going to try and give medical coverage to the poor it can't be trusted. But when it comes to locking people up and warrantless wiretaps, we can trust them completely. And if a newspaper investigates? It's treason.
Republicans love the troops.
Now I know what your thinking. They've gotten an awful lot of them killed. But they give them such lovely funerals and say nice things about them. That completely makes up for sending them to rat infested hospitals, and pretending a lot of our veterans don't have PTSD who really do. And it makes it fine that they sent them off to war based on a charge which plainly wasn't true.
You see, they do love our troops, they just mean the generals not those annoying enlisted men. That's why when we had a comprehensive program of "enhanced interrogation" techniques going and a few troops lets some pictures get out, we convicted a bunch of low ranking grunts, and then the general who commanded the base was allowed to quietly walk away. And while it was going on, we loudly proclaimed there was no torture, even though we knew there was. That's what enlisted guys are for; to draw fire for the high ranking guys.
Now I know what your thinking. You don't mean all conservatives are hypocrites, do you Jack?
There are exactly three conservatives who aren't hypocrites. The rest are.
And I'm not telling you which ones.